Rachael's Training Journal 2009top

ENTRY 1

Another year has begun for me in my life as Ms. Robin's sissy maid. Some huge things happened in December though.  Because of family travel and vanilla world responsibilities the date for my decision of whether or not to accept total slavery has been postponed until February 1. My birthday came with a surprise. Ms. Robin actually jerked me off (into a condom) so I had an actual orgasm for the only time since my previous birthday. There have been no further discipline sessions that have been held and with our lives being so busy these past few weeks (as well as my being ill with a severe cold) I have found myself wondering just what being a slave is going to entail. I find myself confused over the different turns that the road to possible slavery seems to be taking. I find myself wondering if a slave is truly what Ms. Robin wishes for me to be. The shape of that slavery needs to be formed into a clearer picture in order for me to make a decision that I will be satisfied with. After all, as I have said in the past, there has to be something in this for me or I will not be a successful slave. Letting Ms. Robin down is not something that I can do. I want to truly understand what my role is going to be in her life. I also want to be trained in the method of service that she wishes to have from me. This training I feel needs to be intensive on her part and show just how unyielding she is going to be. This demonstrates to me that Ms. Robin’s desire for a slave is indeed real and that she knows exactly what she wants from that slave and that she is willing to make the effort to get it. I fully expect that having a slave should be easy on the owner but the initial training of that slave is something that requires considerable effort. It goes beyond the simple conversation or instructional commands that are given and rather becomes a very hands-on, overbearing, supervisory position. I also feel that in the conversation part of the relationship that there needs to be a time, before the hands-on training begins, that the stated goals of the training are spelled out. What is to be achieved? This may be something that is written out just so that there is no confusion and the paperwork (so to speak) can be agreed upon and referred back to for clarification. Right at this moment I feel like the whole slavery thing has become just that, a thing. It doesn’t feel like a lifestyle because it is not clearly defined and feels very up in the air. In the moments when it is touched upon it feels more like a little fantasy session that will last for a few moments to maybe an hour and then be over and done with until the next time. I feel that by accepting a slave position that I should feel that slavery in some way always. While I am not sure exactly how to achieve that, I remain open to discussion on the issue and hopeful that I can become Ms. Robin’s slave with a full and open heart filled with joy at this opportunity to fulfill my most deeply held wants.

 On a lighter note, I have completed the construction of a set of stocks for Ms. Robin’s dungeon. I am pretty proud of the work that I have done and I would expect that there will be pictures and video of the stocks in operation (hopefully on me) appearing on this website very soon! Feedback on the stocks is welcome and wanted. I look forward to your comments.

Here it is, the last week in February already and I still have not made the official decision to be Ms. Robin’s slave. This bothers me a great deal and yet I don’t seem to be able to discuss the situation with Ms. Robin in a way that yields any success. Perhaps when Ms. Robin reviews this entry she will understand what needs to be talked about between us and some movement can be made on this issue. Don’t get me wrong. I feel like her slave already and when we are at public BDSM type events I now introduce myself as her slave. It just is not official in my mind until the question is asked. When the question is asked is also kind of open. I do know some details that revolve around when I don’t want the question asked like I don’t just want to be beaten one day and have the question asked right then just like I have discussed in past entries. While I do want the question asked immediately following the most intense beating that I have ever received I want the lead-up to this point to be extensive. For instance I could envision being told that the question will be asked on April 1 (because I would be a fool to say no to becoming Ms. Robin’s slave and yet after this intense beating I would be a fool to say yes immediately without knowing the full consequences of saying no) and from now till April 1 training would occur. Scenarios that I have spoken with Ms. Robin about would be enacted with the understanding that once slavery is accepted that I would receive considerably less in the realm of what I want but that at least I would have my memories of different fantasies being brought to life. Any scenarios that I present to Ms. Robin are always carefully thought out to require a minimum of effort on her part but at the same time effort has to be made. The scenarios that I dream about I usually convey to Ms. Robin in detail so that there is no misunderstanding about what it is that is on my mind. Something that annoys me considerably is when Ms. Robin will give me clearly expressed views about what she wants and then express disappointment a week or two later that the directive was not carried out. The reasons that this bothers me is: first, sometimes there are valid reasons that something is not being done as directed. Projects that have been undertaken are always completed to the best of my ability but for instance it is not possible for me to dress as a maid and paint the kitchen because that could end up disastrous for my uniform and it would affect how long it takes to complete said painting project.  

But this does not mean that Ms. Robin could not administer a whipping for a failure to follow her directives. I believe that every Saturday night should be set aside for discipline (or whatever night would have one of my days off from work immediately following it) and that during the administration of this discipline it would be reviewed the things that had not been done to Ms. Robin’s satisfaction. I believe that once a routine discipline evening is established that my overall slave behavior will improve. While it may not always be a huge improvement I do believe there would always be some improvement. And, I am not asking for anything dramatically intense. I would think that 50 hard strokes could be administered in 5 minutes or so and that any corrections in my behavior that are needed could easily be told to me during this five minutes. I am sure that there is always something that Ms. Robin would want improved upon and once this regular routine is established it gives me as a slave something to both dread and look forward to each week. This will provide for both of us a bonding opportunity between Mistress and slave which I think is essential to maintaining a good Mistress/slave relationship.  

The other point that I would like to make is about milkings. While a schedule has been established which I appreciate very much there is a reason that I would like to have more. My thoughts on this is that there is a huge sexual component to a Mistress/slave relationship. While I understand that my life is to be spent in chastity I do find that serving as a slave is very sexually stimulating for me. When a month goes in between each milking I have found that I spend three weeks of it with increasingly limited bladder control. This is because as the prostate expands what it is holding it presses on the bladder and causes the urgent need for urination that can be difficult to control. This is why I would propose moving to a milking once a week for a period of time and then experimenting with gradually increasing the time in between the milkings depending on when the bladder control issues start to resurface. I think that once a month the honor should be given to me if I am deemed to deserve it to have Ms. Robin present and participating in the milking. The other milkings could be done before the weekly discipline and supervised by Ms. Robin’s new submissive, Steven. I envision something along this kind of scenario. On discipline evenings an hour before discipline is scheduled I would go to the basement with Steven. I would hook up the PES unit for a milking and then Steven would lock me into the stocks. Steven would then turn on the PES unit and run it up to 10 in a time limit written for him (or told to him) by Ms. Robin. The device would be left on for a specific period of time (once again dictated by Ms. Robin) of say 15 or 30 minutes. The use of a timer that I could not see would be employed and this time limit could be changed every time or left the same depending upon the whim of Ms. Robin. At the end of the time period Steven would turn off the PES and remove it from me and carefully pour the fluid expelled into a shot glass and measure and notate the results. Then I would suck the shot glass dry through the tube in the inflatable gag that he would have always put in place and then he would leave me in the stocks to await Ms. Robin’s arrival to administer the weekly discipline.  

ENTRY 3

Finally I feel that issues are being addressed and that I am progressing toward accepting the role of Ms. Robin’s slave. There have been some heavy discussions as to what my expectations were. As I have stated in the past, there has to be something in it for the slave or all a person has is a thing that is not worth having in my opinion. Ms. Robin has still not initiated the weekly whipping but I have been whipped since my last entry. I was caught stimulating myself (I was no where close to cumming) and I was whipped for that and Ms. Robin has installed some additional measures. The web-cam has been plugged back in so that she can observe me while I am on the computer. Time on the computer is the most likely time that I try to stimulate myself. Ms. Robin has stated that the next time it happens the whipping I will get will make the one I received seem like play time.

She has also taken other measures to ensure that my sissy clit receives no stimulation beyond the electrical stimulation of a milking. Ms. Robin has instructed her other submissive, Steven, to begin to supervise my showers. So now when I take a shower I am watched by Steven to make sure that nothing goes on that is not supposed to. When it comes time to wash my genital area I have to open the shower door and remove my chastity device in full view of Steven who is then putting on a pair of rubber kitchen gloves. As soon as the device is off Steven then directs water onto the area—cold water as the hot water is shut off for the duration of the shower once my chastity device comes off. After the cold water has been directed all over my genital area Steven then begins to scrub soap over the area by using a back brush. Steven has been told not to be gentle and he follows directions very well. After the area is thoroughly scrubbed the cold water is back as I am rinsed and shaved if needed. The idea that Ms. Robin had behind the use of the rubber kitchen gloves was that there would not be any physical contact with my genital area ever again if she can help it. Ms. Robin believes that this will help me in maintaining my focus on service to her which has been rapidly expanding of late.

Ms. Robin has gone on a special diet which requires extensive cooking on my part to provide her with three meals a day and two snacks. It is not unusual for my day to consist of 8 hours working in the vanilla world and then coming straight home and starting 4 to 5 hours of cooking meals for Ms. Robin so that all of her meals and snacks are ready until the next day when I come home from work and do it all over again. On my days off I find that I am not only cooking but am catching up on any housework that needs to be done. All told, I seem to be putting in at a minimum, 12 hour days, 7 days a week. Ms. Robin has also brought in a massage therapist who has been teaching me the finer techniques of massaging Ms. Robin and this additional task will soon become a daily occurrence and will not only add to my daily work but will amplify the chastity that I am in 24/7/365.

Ms. Robin has informed me that things are only going to get worse for me. And she will be using nothing but discipline to get me to where she wants me. Ms. Robin has assured me that there is never going to be a reward like being able to jerk off or something like that. Instead I may (keyword “may”) notice that the weekly whipping is not quite as severe but she told me not expect that anytime soon as she has started me off with light whippings so far and has yet to get really intense but that that may happen soon as she is expecting a new whip any day now. She has stated that when this new whip arrives it is going to be a very bad day for me no matter how well I am doing in serving her.

Ms. Robin has also informed me that the reason Steven will supervise my showers is because he has assumed a position above me now in the household ranking because of the fact that he has a beautiful man sized cock that I was finally allowed to suck on the other day. Needless to say I was dripping in my chastity device as I sucked, licked and worshipped Steven’s magnificent cock and balls. I am looking forward to that glorious moment when Steven allows me the honor of swallowing his cum. I am also hoping that someday Ms. Robin will allow me to serve as Steven’s urinal. I hope that my service to Ms. Robin will someday make me worthy. Till next time, goodbye for now. I need to get back to work.

ENTRY 4

I feel that progress has been made in certain areas of my training to be Ms. Robin’s slave but at the same time there are certain areas that I am feeling are being neglected. The problem that I have with this is that when anything gets added to the mix as far as my routines (examples in previous post were cooking extensive menu and supervised showers) go there is a corresponding increase in the level of frustration that is generated by the 24/7/365 chastity that I endure. There is no rationalization that I can give for the feelings that I have that I need to be whipped frequently. But the other night when visiting a friends house they happened to be playing the ‘Story of O’ and an odd thing struck me. The beginning of the movie (I saw about the first 30 minutes) demonstrated how ‘O’ is whipped on a daily basis (or even more frequently, the movie doesn’t cover intricate detail) as a matter of routine. That, I believe, is the one part of the routine that I feel is missing from my training. I have requested a weekly whipping which with the intensity that they are administered by Ms. Robin would probably be sufficient but still this cannot be achieved.

A new whip is due to arrive any day now and I feel an eager excitement as I am hoping that this will be the turning point on this issue. Another annoying (to me anyway) part of this is the constant talk about doing the discipline. I find this to be a string of broken promises that undermines the quality of my slave status when these promised scenarios do not come to happen. Also, for some reason that equally befuddles me, I do not want anything but the whip. Ms. Robin likes to use other implements (strap, paddle, etc.) so that I suffer the full spectrum of pain. I believe that the whip should be the only implement used for these sessions should they ever start to occur.  I think the reasons that I want this is that the whip will then become a part of what I expect and will allow me to judge just how much my behavior and actions need to be adjusted. If it is just a quick, hard, and brutal ten strokes then I know I am on the right path. If it is 25 strokes then I will be aware that a change needs to be made. If it is 50 strokes then I know that I have made significant errors that need to be immediately addressed. And this does not preclude Ms. Robin deciding to give me 100 or 500 or 1000 strokes and just telling me that she feels like doing it. That is something that I could understand.

Recently I was present when Ms. Robin was talking to another submissive about how she was so good at reading people (she is) and how she had this gift for providing the maximum pleasure/pain combination during a session (she does) that has the submissive feeling happy at the end and thinking that he/she wants just a little bit more. I thought to myself at this time that this is not the situation with me because as a slave my happiness is irrelevant. I think that this is where the stumbling block is in our relationship right now. Ms. Robin is unable to let go of the need that she feels to please me which is why she constantly feels the need to promise these whipping sessions that she later fails to follow through on. I think that this needs to be a topic of conversation between us and maybe by my next entry I will have some further reflection on this topic.

My training continues to progress in a mostly positive fashion and I am especially happy with the way Steven has taken to supervising my showers and administering my weekly milkings. He is doing a fantastic job and I look forward to my next opportunity to worship his magnificent cock. Ms. Robin continues to be the Mistress that any slave would be overjoyed to have and I continue to strive to be worthy of the honor of being considered her slave. Until next month.

ENTRY 5

It has been some time since my last journal entry. There have been a lot of things that have happened and the thing that I wish to talk about today is the mental aspect of being a slave.

The question that I frequently find myself asking is, why? Why do I want to be whipped and treated as a slave, why do I want to serve as a sissy maid for Ms. Robin? The answer to that question has for me been answered in a moment of revelation and the answer is: Who Cares?!? Once one can get beyond the ‘why’ question it becomes easy to accept what a person really is and most importantly to not look down on oneself. I still wonder about the ‘why’ but now the more pressing question is how do I advance myself into the world that I want to be in and how long do I have to wait for my life to be fulfilled. I don’t think that the fulfillment will ever be achieved because of the room for growth and expansion into this lifestyle will always be available to me. Does anyone ever reach total immersion in the lifestyle and is this even possible? I have arrived at the conclusion that it is not. But one can come damn close to it and that is what I am going to strive for. And Ms. Robin will be right there alongside me to help in any way that she can. I am so fortunate to have a Mistress that loves me with all the little foibles that I have and understands how my mind works and enjoys the journey that we are taking to get there.

The slave status is going through somewhat of a down phase at the moment but with the addition of the menu and cooking that I have to do now it is still a feeling that I possess. The whippings do not occur as often as I would like but still happen occasionally and may resume to a more frequent occurrence anytime as one of the things that I have learned on this journey is to never worry about something not coming back as it isn’t worth worrying about. Milkings have started to occur on a more regular and frequent basis so that is a definite plus. At this time dressing as the sissy maid that I am is just not practical as time constraints limit my ability to do this (the vanilla world intruding would be a better explanation) but I have accepted this and realize that the time will come when this is possible and I have to allow what is able to happen to me to take its place. There are some things that are going to be added to the cooking chores over the next couple of weeks which will add some extra depth to the cooking chore which I will use to overcome the inability to dress at this time. It is nice that the breadth of this lifestyle enables one to put off what one really wants in order to be fulfilled and still have that content feeling that all is well in one’s world.

I am struggling with how to put down in this entry the feelings that I am having as my journey as Ms. Robin’s slave continues. But rest assured that I will continue to try to dig deep and find the words that I need in order to express just how happy this journey is making me.

ENTRY 6

This entry is going to be different than my normal entry. I am going to try to examine the psychological nature of slavery at least from my viewpoint. One of the central problems that I have is that as a slave I should certainly not be making demands on Ms. Robin. And yet, I find that if I never make demands that almost nothing will ever happen to me. Keeping the mental thought process of a slave is difficult when one never has to deal with the things that a slave should be going through. As an example I will use the weekly discipline that I am supposed to receive but have not been receiving on any kind of a regular basis for some time. I am in the unique position of craving intense whippings but this is not anything that I am ever going to ask for and if I do ask and it is not acted on then I shy away from bringing it back up again because there is a part of me that thinks I am insane for asking for discipline to begin with.

To further expand on the subject of whipping, which I am using just as an example as this mental stuff really applies to all aspects of slavery, as a slave I don’t feel I have the right to ask for whippings the way that I want them. Yet there are other ‘visitors’ to our home who are able to enjoy receiving exactly what they want and it makes me wonder why I do not receive the same type of consideration. I think this is because of the deep love that Ms. Robin and I have for each other. This love gets in the way of a lot that has to do with serving as a slave. There are many times when Ms. Robin will stop a session with me or not even do a session with me because I may have let slip that I am tired or that I have had enough or any of the other list of excuses that when you love someone your inner being is looking to please them. What is gone unrealized is that the true expression of love would be to be able to administer the whippings regardless of how I am feeling because this is how I know that I am serving as a slave because the element of choice is taken away.

This is why I have vivid dreams of Ms. Robin finding a true lover that would enable her to funnel her anger more towards me. Because I know that deep in her heart she will always love me and be my soul mate as I will always be hers. I also think that the love part of our relationship is what causes Ms. Robin to be lazy as far as training me as her slave. She is comfortable in the knowledge that she will always have me and that I will serve her unfailingly no matter what she does with or to me. And she is absolutely correct. But it is because of this that the hole that I feel inside me is something that I can talk about here and with Ms. Robin if I am asked. Is it wrong for me to crave the severe discipline of the whip on a frequent basis?

I have come to terms with myself and have decided that it is not wrong. Is it wrong for me to not ask for what I want out of this Mistress/slave relationship? I have come to terms with myself to know that, no, this is not wrong either. But that does not mean that I still do not long for it. There are still moments that I hang onto to help fulfill this need. There are single lines that Ms. Robin will occasionally say that I literally feel myself start to drip inside my chastity device because they strike at that core of my being a slave and although there is no physical follow-up to these statements I find myself grasping at whatever I can get. Because this is a lifetime commitment for me that I will follow thru on till the very end.

So in conclusion I would like to say that my life as a slave presses on. Am I happy being Ms. Robin’s slave? Yes. Is it easy being Ms. Robin’s slave? No. But, is it not easy being Ms. Robin’s for the reasons that it should be (examples: whippings, humiliation, slave duties, etc.) or is it difficult being Ms. Robin’s slave because I so often feel ignored for being a slave. I mentally go through this on an almost daily basis. I feel like I let Ms. Robin down by not doing things that she expects me to do and asks me to do repeatedly (like these journal entries), yet at the same time I have no real worries that I am going to be whipped because I don’t do them and this seems to alleviate my adverse feelings of having let her down because I am able to tell myself that Ms. Robin understands why these things are not getting done and that understanding comes from the love that she has for me.

At the same time I stay in this vicious circle by arguing with myself about whether as a slave I should be able to rise above my wants and serve Ms. Robin to the best of my ability whether she fulfills my needs or not. After all, I am a slave and my treatment should be totally up to her. And shouldn’t I feel great about the fact that Ms. Robin loves me enough to be able to take it easy on me and continue on with our loving partner relationship?  But is our relationship as loving partners prevent us from having a Mistress/slave relationship? In many ways I think it does. I also think that what I am seeking is the Mistress/slave relationship that has our deep and eternal love as being the strong foundation that the relationship is built upon. I know how deep my love is for Ms. Robin but I don’t and can’t know how deep her love is for me. Is it too deep for her to be able to give me the training as a slave that I want. Or is it that her love is not deep enough and she goes through the motions of giving me what I want when I submit one of these journal entries and she feels guilty and wants to make up for this guilt by temporarily fulfilling my needs.

I feel a deep conversation with Ms. Robin is coming on as a result of this journal entry and I can only hope that I am able to express what I am trying to convey through this entry as clearly with verbal expression if not even more clearly because as I read this I feel unsure that what I am trying to say is being stated that clearly after all. I would appreciate if those of you who read this journal would send in your thoughts to Ms. Robin so I can learn how others view this situation.  

   Back to Top